My Biggest Fears 

    I guess I have the standard fears for any mom of three.  I fear they will be kidnapped or hurt when they are out of my sight.  I fear they will be mistreated when they are with others.  I hope and pray they will go far and accomplish their dreams while having amazing lives.  Unfortunately this world is shit and works against lower class people trying to become anything more.

    I am afraid of heights, snakes and spiders.  Small spaces, clowns and large crowds.  I have anxiety out of this world when I let the doubtful voice in my head run rampant.  I am truly my own worst enemy.  I am holding my own self back from going further than I ever dreamed.  I am my biggest critique.  

    I let what others say affect me more than I should.  I am an empath and absorb the room's energy whether good or bad.  I am a great listener but can't seem to put into words simple things that bother me.  I let people walk all over me until I've had enough and then I block them and act like they don't exist instead of confronting them about what a crappy human being they are.

    I am afraid of catching some incurable illness since cancer runs so heavy in my family on both of my parent's sides.  I am afraid of ending up raising my kids alone and not being enough for them.  I am afraid of failure so I never try to begin with.  I talk myself out of every dream or idea I have ever had.  I wish I was stronger to tell the voice in my head to fuck off but my anxiety always wins.  The self doubt is a major problem.  I am on three different medications yet still get depressed and have 0 motivation to do anything as simple as taking a shower or brushing my teeth.

    I will start a set routine and end up completely forgetting about it.  I start projects and never finish.  I am the most inconsistent person in existence.  I mean well but always end up fucking something up.  I can't even get my own kids to behave and listen to me.  I am a failure in pretty much everything, the only thing I have going for me is that my kids are healthy and taken care of.

    With all this being said, I made an appointment to start getting counseling to see if that will help me fix myself.  I want to be better and do better.

    If you take anything away from this post, I hope it is that everyone is struggling with their own unspoken demons.  I am choosing to share mine in the hopes that it helps my self along with someone else.  One day that little voice inside won't be so loud anymore and I look forward to that day.

Much love xoxo